300++ other brands bigots should totally boycott to be forever gay-free

I’m writing this piece after reading a lot comments on Nike’s Facebook page–mostly people hating on the brand’s decision to drop Manny Pacquaio (after his *abhorrent* remarks against the LGBT community). Some people even made veerrrryyyy serious threats like boycotting Nike altogether.

Well, here is my opinion: Thank the lord god of all Abrahamic religions that I won’t have to deal with self-righteous bigots when I paddle out to hell. Your Roshe Flyknits are banned in heaven, baby boys and girls. Same with your Energy Boosts, Raybans, and fucking Oreos. If you want to boycott Nike for what it’s done, then newsflash, the brand doesn’t need your 80 dollars. Keep it, or maybe buy Crocs with it. By all means, go to heaven, stay there, and do not ruin hell (if it does exist) for me.

I’m trying to be a very helpful lesbian here. So just in case you need additional information on what other brands support equality, a.k.a brands you juuust need to destroy and boycott, here is a crude list:

Absolut Vodka. Try getting drunk on something else–maybe water, or cranberry juice, or coffee.

Absolut

Starbucks. Ooops, sorry, you can drop the latte as well.

Starbucks

Coca-Cola. And the soda too. In case you don’t know, The Coca-Cola Company has other beverages in its portfolio other than Coke. Yeah, like Sprite, Royal, Fanta, Wilkins, Viva Mineral Water, Powerade, and Minute Maid. You can check out the full list here. The good news? Its number one competitor, PepsiCo., also believes in equality and diversity.  Forget freakin’ soda, it’s bad for your spiritual health.

Coca-Cola

Tide. Even your harmless detergent is pro-love! The manufacturer of Tide is a teeney-weeny multinational called Procter & Gamble. Yeah, just that small, no biggie. And like Coca-Cola, P&G has a lot of brands under it, including Safeguard, Head & Shoulders, Pampers, Old Spice, Oral-B, Vicks, and Gillette. No, you can’t use them anymore, because only a gay-free life is worth living. Yeah?

TideUber. Don’t even think about booking that ride. The only thing worse than E.D.S.A. traffic and a 1000x surge is a negative point on St. Peter’s scorecard. That is just super mean!!!

UberGame of Thrones. I’m sure Renly won’t mind. If you dare watch the next season of GoT, you would be forever condemned to wear a collar with a shame bell attached to it. The company behind this show? HBO. Ask your cable provider to get that shit out of your telly.

GOTKFC. Bleh. No chicken for you.


KFC

Oreos. I swear, nothing is gayer than this. The fact that you can twist, lick, and dunk this baby probably makes it the number one most abominable brand in the eyes of god. The company behind it? Mondelez International, the other half of Kraft Foods (Yeah! Kool Aid, Mayo, Jell-O, and Cheez Whiz).

OreosUniqlo. Suck it up and find another place to buy cheap basics and thermal wear. Come on, get going.

Uniqlo

HTC. Yep. Throw the damn phone away.

HTC

During the April supreme court hearing in the U.S. about marriage equality, a group of 379 companies, including tech giants like Microsoft, Apple, Google, and Facebook filed an amici curiae to reason out and highlight how having equal rights can positively impact businesses. Below is an excerpt taken from Endgadget:

State laws that prohibit or decline to recognize marriages between same-sex couples hamper employer efforts to recruit and retain the most talented workforce possible in those states. Our successes depend upon the welfare and morale of all employees, without distinction. The burden imposed by inconsistent and discriminatory state laws of having to administer complicated schemes to account for differential treatment of similarly situated employees breeds unnecessary confusion, tension, and diminished employee morale.

A diverse, inclusive workplace environment increases the total human energy available to the organization. People can bring far more of themselves to their jobs because they are required to suppress far less. Inclusive companies are more open to new ideas and opportunities, while less prone to overconfidence when approaching challenges.Companies that are diverse and inclusive obtain better profits and other outputs, thanks to improved team collaboration and commitment.

Apart from the big four tech companies, please also be wary of: Amazon, Comcast, Cisco, DocuSign, Dropbox, eBay, EA, GE, HP, Intel, Oracle, Qualcomm Incorporated, Symantec, Twitter, Verizon, Xerox and Zynga. If you intend to boycott any brand that supports equality, legal union, and the right of people to have security, then:

  • Stop using Google (and all products under it: Nexus, YouTube, Chrome, etc.)
  • Don’t book an Uber car
  • Make sure that your phone doesn’t use a Snapdragon chipset
  • Close your DropBox account
  • Don’t drink soda ever
  • Forget your pumpkin spice latte
  • Don’t use running shoes by Nike or adidas

The list can go on forever. If you intend to live a gay-free life, I suggest you start looking for space off the grid, build your own house, grow potatoes on your own shit.

Thank you very much and have a good weekend.

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